February 20 is National Caregivers Day, celebrating caregivers everywhere, whether they are friends, professional caregivers, or family members, for the hard physical and emotional work they do that often goes unseen. Caregivers also include surviving parents trying to navigate their grief after the death of their spouse, while also supporting children who are trying to navigate their grief from the death of their parent.
Being a parent is challenging. Being a parent after a spouse dies is even more challenging. Parents put their children’s needs before their own, but when a spouse dies, the surviving parent is suddenly distracted by the death of their spouse. The new normal is not simply being a parent, but being a parent to a child who just lost their other parent, while the spouse tries to tend to their own grief at the same time. This is no easy task.
It is like the flight attendants announce before every flight during the emergency procedures review: You are supposed to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping someone else put theirs on. As a parent, it’s often biologically programmed for parents to put their children’s needs first before tending to their own. When a parental death occurs, surviving parents reflexively tend to their children’s needs more than their own, because now they are not just parenting their children; they are parenting grieving children. If caregivers just tend to their children’s needs and the grief their children are new to navigating, they could experience burnout because of neglecting to address their own grief in healthy ways. After all, they just became a single parent, which is uncharted territory. But experiencing burnout because they are not dealing with their personal widower grief can make them emotionally and even physically drained, which means they will not be as effective at helping their grieving child.
According to Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, M.A., of the The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families, “The well-being of a caregiver who is grieving is essential to their child’s well-being. Caregivers need space to grieve themselves and to seek the support of others. Although it can feel like a daunting task, it is helpful when caregivers can dedicate time to attend to their own thoughts and feelings. Some caregivers find the shower a cathartic space for tears, while others prefer walks, making art, journaling, or sitting quietly. Any activity that allows a caregiver the time to access and be with their grief is valuable and much needed."
Parents will always put their children’s needs first, but when it comes to parental death, it is important that caregivers and surviving parents tend to their own needs and grief as well, so they can keep a healthy and stable environment going for their grieving children navigating their new normal. It takes a bit of a transition period, but with the right amount of support, parentless families can find their groove, as long as they all tend to their needs and grief individually and collectively as a family. This includes caregivers.
